Chinese New Year

Long Layoff, i didn't blog for a long period of time, i thought, why am i blogging? No one will understand me better from it, no one really understands me, i am someone who have my own thoughts, thoughts i hate realistically sometimes, but something i cherish myself. What is the realistic world to me? its absent of some serious balancing.

Yes, its another Chinese New Year, 17 years already, Chinese New Year every year, but new year to me has become some serious back tracking of memories, something i love because i remember the past, but memories are too sentimental for me, i know i will lose some things in the future, nothing last, thats the realistic world, u start of as an innocent person, but realise that the world isn't run that way, everyone knows it, u can only live it your way, try to balance it up urself, but also, trying not to lose out, becoz its a competitive world. School life is totally different from Working life. No, its not as though i started full time working, but it can be seen already, it's more pleasant to be in schooling life, yes, studies are tedious, but there are more tedious stuff, even the signs can be seen in school. I can only prepare myself for it.

Thats one thing i am worried about, i don really know whether i am ready for it, i am still myself, i treat everyone sincerely to how i analyse them, i am straightforward, i hate what i hate, i love what i love.

Anyway, thats one issue i hate about the world. Another is what i missed in the world. I missed alot of things, i regret doing and not doing some stuffs, maybe i have a "perfect" thinking that i should do everything to the fullest, to the best, but i know it can't be done, especially when u can't analyse it with as much time as u want. When u are in a midst of something, the time given is little, u think about some stuff, but after it's over, u will feel that the other option you may do will be better. Why think so much about stuff? i sometimes thought, but i couldn't help not thinking about it, it's a thought filled with regrets, with something more valuable achieved if i did other stuff.

It's the memories doing me in now, family ties, friendships ties, relationship ties. Everything valuable to me in life, i don value money, i just see it as something needed to survive in this realistic world, but most importantly is how people feel with you around, what you can do for them, some may not appreciate you even if you do stuff because no one remembers things others do for them, they only remember how they benefit from it, but you just want to do it because it will make others happy and morally, you will feel great, maybe it sound too noble now, but i aren't saying myself, i am saying generally, how this realistic world make people think about themselves only, how this realistic world make people who wants to help others feel neglected.

During this Chinese New Year, i lost an ang bao, an ang bao from my godmother, someone i appreciate so much unexplainable by words, these are the people i admire so much becoz they make so much difference in someone else life, they are those who you want to imitate, to be as great a person as them. What is life? its not to be successful regardless of what stuff you do, it's not measured fiancially, it's how you cherish what you do, some people will say it's stupid, what for think about others when it's your own life you are living for. It's just what your priorities are. So, that lost of ang bao is devastating, not for the money, but the feeling behind it, it's from someone i love alot, someone i respect alot, someone i admire alot, someone without flaws that are hateable, a perfect image of a person, those that will make this world much more pleasant if everyone is like them. I still hope i can find it though.

It has been quite a long time since i went to a relative house to gamble too. My family stopped going afew years ago, it feels different this time around. It has been afew years, people changed, i used to hate most of them last time, becoz they always seem to bully my father, making him the banker. But as time goes by, the feeling evaporates, you give them another chance to improve impressions, true enough, give a step, make another impression, analyse the whole situation again, a new result comes about. That aside, i saw my father side cousins again after afew years away, you know, i love to have closer ties with people, it's good to be in a bunch, as an united group, a good network. But these takes time, is it too late now?
Old happenings, be it good or bad, are cherishable, at least u remember what happened, it forms memories in your brain, make you feel that u have pass time with alot of things happening, some have empty spots, only for you to wish you can patch it up, some are joyful moments, that you know will be gone one day or already gone, and will not be able to attain ever again. 17 years, long or short? well, it is long enough for me to think back, do other people around my age think back? am i growing old, or am i tired of life becoz it's just like playing a game, know your stuff, do your stuff to achieve, but the issue of cheating always come about that makes my mind so tired that i wish to be a spectator, instead of a participant.