1 Year

Almost 1 year it had been since i wrote something on a blog. its just a week lesser to complete the year, and i finally knew what happened back then. I had thought about some reasons for the sudden change, but i couldnt and will never know what the actual reason was at that time. Yes, i didnt ask, i didnt know how to, it would be weird to ask as well, feeling that she's trying to avoid. And it took a year before i finally knew what the reason was.

I don know what to say, and do not wish to dwell on the past, but it certainly felt sad when she told me she talked to her dog as a form of letting out. well, not solely sad, mixture of remorse and guilt too. We have a similiar problem, just that her's more serious than mine is, i lived with it, anger, frustration, senseless, words cannot describe the feeling, but i lived over it after time. I knew what it felt, to be on the verge of losing what you suppose cannot be broken, the only place you are supposed to feel safe in. It gave me a bad temper at that time, raging at every small stuff that i dislike, or felt frustrated with. You'd lose ur mind and do stuff you will never imagine doing normally. Thats what it can do to you, similiar to people fighting for their love ones, or belongings, this is a fight for own acknowledgement. I was lucky, i have friends in school which i think i heavily depended on during my time of distress then. Often, whenever my friends do things i dislike or towards me, i would get angry, felt hurt, alot of feelings actually, and thats what gave me my personality for that time, i only linked these up after getting over much of it, because the expectation we have towards friends are confused with family, you'd have more support within the family - and we need it among friends which can sometimes go terribly wrong. You are hoping to be in somewhere, which you think have been lost, and friends are one of the options, you play with friends, you laugh with friends, you live with friends. Normal people can get fed up with the outer world and gain consolation back home, troubled people like us can't, its a pincer attack, no where to run, no where to hide, no where with comfort, you just don't and wont feel like being anywhere. Just alone in the dark lonely sky, troubled with clouds. Knowing these, i felt remorse and guilt, we were close to each other then, chatting perhaps everyday, i knew her problems, and i understand it too, i could have gave her some comfort, at least, not to the extent that she would need to talk to her dog, who couldnt reply, or understand her sorrowful life. It was very depressing to know that. Its not that a dog is a bad companion, talking to anything will give you comfort, but people will normally choose talk to other people first, unless he/she feels that there's no one close or willing enuff listen to his or her sorrow. That's one of the reason why we people need friends too, not only for fun, but the support needed too. And she couldn't find 1.

But i am glad you are getting over it, and lets not dwell on the past anymore, live happy, stay healthy, eat fattily :D

*In msn, you told me you missed talking to me, i am happy to know that. It really felt terrible, i didnt know whether i really liked you or was it just felt the sudden lost of a close chat buddy. But i really did missed talking to you and felt terrible. I couldnt find words to describe it in msn, and maybe still can't now, but all i could say is that i too, seriously missed talking to you. It had been a year.*