Chinese New Year

Long Layoff, i didn't blog for a long period of time, i thought, why am i blogging? No one will understand me better from it, no one really understands me, i am someone who have my own thoughts, thoughts i hate realistically sometimes, but something i cherish myself. What is the realistic world to me? its absent of some serious balancing.

Yes, its another Chinese New Year, 17 years already, Chinese New Year every year, but new year to me has become some serious back tracking of memories, something i love because i remember the past, but memories are too sentimental for me, i know i will lose some things in the future, nothing last, thats the realistic world, u start of as an innocent person, but realise that the world isn't run that way, everyone knows it, u can only live it your way, try to balance it up urself, but also, trying not to lose out, becoz its a competitive world. School life is totally different from Working life. No, its not as though i started full time working, but it can be seen already, it's more pleasant to be in schooling life, yes, studies are tedious, but there are more tedious stuff, even the signs can be seen in school. I can only prepare myself for it.

Thats one thing i am worried about, i don really know whether i am ready for it, i am still myself, i treat everyone sincerely to how i analyse them, i am straightforward, i hate what i hate, i love what i love.

Anyway, thats one issue i hate about the world. Another is what i missed in the world. I missed alot of things, i regret doing and not doing some stuffs, maybe i have a "perfect" thinking that i should do everything to the fullest, to the best, but i know it can't be done, especially when u can't analyse it with as much time as u want. When u are in a midst of something, the time given is little, u think about some stuff, but after it's over, u will feel that the other option you may do will be better. Why think so much about stuff? i sometimes thought, but i couldn't help not thinking about it, it's a thought filled with regrets, with something more valuable achieved if i did other stuff.

It's the memories doing me in now, family ties, friendships ties, relationship ties. Everything valuable to me in life, i don value money, i just see it as something needed to survive in this realistic world, but most importantly is how people feel with you around, what you can do for them, some may not appreciate you even if you do stuff because no one remembers things others do for them, they only remember how they benefit from it, but you just want to do it because it will make others happy and morally, you will feel great, maybe it sound too noble now, but i aren't saying myself, i am saying generally, how this realistic world make people think about themselves only, how this realistic world make people who wants to help others feel neglected.

During this Chinese New Year, i lost an ang bao, an ang bao from my godmother, someone i appreciate so much unexplainable by words, these are the people i admire so much becoz they make so much difference in someone else life, they are those who you want to imitate, to be as great a person as them. What is life? its not to be successful regardless of what stuff you do, it's not measured fiancially, it's how you cherish what you do, some people will say it's stupid, what for think about others when it's your own life you are living for. It's just what your priorities are. So, that lost of ang bao is devastating, not for the money, but the feeling behind it, it's from someone i love alot, someone i respect alot, someone i admire alot, someone without flaws that are hateable, a perfect image of a person, those that will make this world much more pleasant if everyone is like them. I still hope i can find it though.

It has been quite a long time since i went to a relative house to gamble too. My family stopped going afew years ago, it feels different this time around. It has been afew years, people changed, i used to hate most of them last time, becoz they always seem to bully my father, making him the banker. But as time goes by, the feeling evaporates, you give them another chance to improve impressions, true enough, give a step, make another impression, analyse the whole situation again, a new result comes about. That aside, i saw my father side cousins again after afew years away, you know, i love to have closer ties with people, it's good to be in a bunch, as an united group, a good network. But these takes time, is it too late now?
Old happenings, be it good or bad, are cherishable, at least u remember what happened, it forms memories in your brain, make you feel that u have pass time with alot of things happening, some have empty spots, only for you to wish you can patch it up, some are joyful moments, that you know will be gone one day or already gone, and will not be able to attain ever again. 17 years, long or short? well, it is long enough for me to think back, do other people around my age think back? am i growing old, or am i tired of life becoz it's just like playing a game, know your stuff, do your stuff to achieve, but the issue of cheating always come about that makes my mind so tired that i wish to be a spectator, instead of a participant.

Xmas + New Year Holiday Break

Another year has passed, 2005 was a quick year for me, i remember listening to 933 during the end of 2004, saying they will be switching shifts soon, anticipating the new year, soon, they will be switching again.

i started poly this year, not really adapting to the different style at 1st, and not satisfied with the lifestyle. Class relations took quite long to integrate all together, and it was quite boring before the period prior to the end of the 1st term when we all got together. I started DOTA around that period when my coursemates are all crazy over it, eventually, i played with friends from eod, coursemates and polymates. especially eod, this brought us together again, although only some of us went to play dota, compared to the old cs which we had so much fun from, i cherished enjoying the same fun with friends.

for the passed 3 years, i thought back and really regretted one thing in each of the years, it's the same for 2005, i somesort neglected friends becoz i played mmorpgs. So, i do dislike mmorpg now, it takes up time which i prefer to spend it on other stuffs now... so the old darkages of mine is gone, and i will never get the similiar sensation from playing a mmorpg anymore. Those days became memories, wonderful memories that will never be 4gotten.

when there's bad stuff, there'll be good stuff too. what i appreciated most in 2005 is to join the guitar club. My interest in learning music has finally been satisfied, and it comes with a great deal of fun. Of coz, perhaps i am far too quiet a guy towards strangers, i only mix with the guitarclub friends just before the la guitare concert, practices, everything for a common goal, it brought us together, and i can see few negatives in it. I do hope our batch 11 will stay intact, with everyone in it for the future to come.

*When you grow older, memories build up, good or bad. People often say, only the old will think back into their memories. But memories are so cherishable that the thought of it, be it any events, any deeds, any sayings, any teachings, everything, will touch our hearts, some with regrets, some with joy, some misses. The past is not history, the past are memorable stuff to reflect on while the future is based on memories*