Previous Post Clarification

hmm.. the last part where the "take longer period to like than hate" thing, i don really mean that sentence, as in not hate. it reminds in a sense of, how fast can something change.

Where is my True Light?

It do seems now that whenever i blog, i am blogging about something in the darkness. When your life is on the uphill, you have plenty of good stuffs to write about; When your life is on the downhill, hell knows you are part of their membership. I had my good times, and now, it seems that everything is coming to a crumble. As people grow, we experience more stuffs, encounter more happenings, understand how devious a person can get. Maybe i should have gone to a JC 1st instead, i am not quite ready to be up against some injustice. I am a justice-seeker... Why am i suffering due to that? It's gimme me a headache, or am i just getting worked up early due to my sensitive self...? Only time knows the answer. I have to admit, i am of the weaker hearted.

What am i? I had been coming up against some injustice that i had met, believing that i did the right thing, addressing for those who got let down for some people trying to seek enjoyment, not only friends, but strangers as well. But what i feeling now is not what i would feel as the person i used to be, not the person who believe such stuffs anymore, not the person who believe that justice prevails. I want to be a good guy, and to be a good guy, i will have to sacrifice some stuff, that's what i found out in my 16 years living. But some stuff cant be sacrificed, especially when others are trying to make u sacrifice that... it doesn't seem right to let it go and let the other party claim what they want, it doesn't match the way a perfect world should be, it doesn't befit the ideal world every child should have in their mind till their get to know stuffs. The world to me now... Is a snatch, i donwan to get involved in it, but i am feeling it already. When will it drastically be my turn to be at the receiving end? Soon, i propose... sadly. But at least, i still believe i am determined enough not to be at the villian end.

Sciences, maths, languages, which is the biggest subject we people need to learn? none of these... it's communications. It's ideal if everyone get the actual meaning of what you want to say, but it's terrible if everyone get the wrong meaning of what you want to say. It is kind of doing injustice too... But i understand that miscommunications do take place and misunderstandings do occur. That's why i wish that communication can be an easier skill to master, not for me alone, but for everyone. Whenever a miscommunication took place, explainations will do a heavenly job. But explainations are communications too, and they may be misinterpretted too. Maybe, unconsciously, that's the reason i started and wanted a blog too. To explain in a private room where you can slowly think and get the right message out, like an open book exam with ample amount of time, or... infinite amount of time. That helps too.

People are difficult to explain, different people acts differently and behaves differently. But when u found something about some people you know, there's an urge to tell others what u felt, hoping to get some answers, or to warn others. But on the other view, those can become gossips which provide misunderstandings. Hard to get everything right, right? i surely thinks so. What we can try, is to get most things right, but it's hard to get most thing right when no one really understand what kind of person are you, especially when you aren't a person that talks often. That do explain part of my life. I don't usually talk about myself, don't really like doing so... but when some bad incidents happen... i really feel like letting people i concern, and hope they are concern about me know. To have someone that understand some of your plight, share some of your burden with consolations... But what are consolations when others will never feel the state you are in? perhaps similiar, but never identical. You can only thank them for letting you know that they are by your side, at least, to feel that there will still be people around you even when you perceive the world hopeless.

Modern games are a threat to friendships. People tends to compare themselves to others. Heard this? "Who is more pro?", this will be a talking point in every modern games there are now, even among friends. It wasn't till afew years ago when i discovered this... prior to this, i had played some modern games with some friends, and never encountered that sort of feeling till that few years ago. in those earlier times, friends fight for each other, never getting upworked by each other much, and i respect that. I miss those times seriously... But it's all over, i had seen the other side, and this convey the same meaning in real life. People now can get fired up with friends who burden their game plan... it can be understood in same way as... "i donwanna waste my time" but... think about the other side, what do friends really mean? i believe that friends should be supportive. Having talked to some other internet friends, the friendships among me are kind of different from theirs, its partially here and there, but they are all good friends to me... just not the way i really wanted to be in... some of them though, not all. Together with this, i learned about peer influrence, it's a big thing to me, 1 of the biggest thing that will affect people lives. Studying is also about peer influrence, some may think, primary school? anyhow choose loh... all the same, smart kids get smart grades. Yes, people have different learning abilities, some learn fast, some learn slow, some like studying, some don't, all people tends to learn things they like faster. And what makes them like stuffs? when they try stuffs. That's why peer influrence is a big thing to me, as people often starts trying things their friends do. this relates to sentences, "it takes a longer period to like a guy than to hate a guy", "once you try a drug, you will get addictted to it". No, i don't really mean the meaning of the sentences, but i do want to extract the positive and negative effects of the sentences. Seemingly, it takes longer period for good things compared to bad things. And that's perfectly true, never to be doubted. what do i mean by, the same as? well... when someone taste something bad but feels good, he will continue to do that, it's addictive, even though you know it's bad. And seemingly... all bad things are addictive... becoz its the faster route to get stuffs and an easier route to derive pleasure. That's what i mean.

Upon writing this sentence, "it takes a longer period to like a guy than to hate a guy". It reminded me of the article by which this blog started. How is it possible for two person to completely end all conversations between them when it is a just afew days ago when it's seemingly endless? Don't get the wrong idea of this few sentences that i wrote about an issue i wanted to close up. I don't want to go into a relationship that easily and that eagerly, but i just don't understand why. that's all.

I am kind of a busy person lately, having involved in two projects and a game and it isn't a time for me to update my blog, but i just felt there are things in my mind that i needed to write out. So i poped in here and write those things i had in mind...

*Think about this: What is your 1st impression when a friend tells you he is a busy person?*

Think about it first :)
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I always thinks about the words i say, and i added those words to let you think about the sentence i said in the * *. Although what i meant about "busy person" is not in the manner i said before the * *, it may have some a little effect on it, and what u felt is what friendship means. Of coz... it will be different with different friends.

One Down, Two To Go

Finally, 1/3 of the busy pre semestral break is over... but there's 2/3 more manz... projects and projects... presentations and presentations... how i wish to get all this over with and get my well deserved break :/ i wouldn't be bloging often till then.

Anyway, i got so engrossed in guitar lately... and would spend every possible amount of free time to practice it... i cant wait to be able to play music freely... it really gives me a over the moon feeling, i love music~! But... it's still a long way though... to be able to play just by reading off the scores... music langauge.

Ever since sec 2, i had decided to take the poly route, perhaps becoz my bro took that route, but i felt something more in it, something i feel that i will be able to do taking that route. Now, i noe what is it, it's the management of time. I never liked to read dead books, theories or ways of applying them, i feel that it corrupts my brain. With exams just around the corner, my jc friends are busy studying for their promos, and i felt the good part about poly. I am able to do what i prefer with the time i have after i do finish something required to, like music, learning guitar, instead of spending all of my time on books which i am subjected to. Life should be doing things you like too right?

Friends may come and go, contacts may be lost, but i feel that maybe we can do something to prevent that outcome.

Relating to the friends network thing
Some comments from my friend, Kel's "must intro to us". Yea, of coz i would intro my new friends to my other friends, but how will that opportunity come about when we are in different schools? We may not try to think about it and leave it to, "Maybe one day... both sides can meet and we can intro to each other." But how will that happen? There will not be such day. It is also impossible especially when i saw what kel typed. I understand what he want to say, but that is what i feel, obstructing the integration of friends which i feel he and i want. Jus asked him to go his hse on friday for mahjong or something, and he said, if he and another friend go, it would be kinda extra, as he is from "other class", least mentioning other school. That's why i thought we must act on it to try and achieve it. Of coz... people must not have those "self thoughts" which i hate so much.

I wanted to have a common thing that interests people of our age to do. Only with that, we can all gather together and have something to talk about which is essential becoz that will kickstart communications.

The question is
Is it possible for a group of friends to be a core, doing something everyone may like to do, pull in people around them, into 1 big group? Some people dislike games, sports, Outings, etc. What can be the common thing that may connect everyone together? Again, that cant be answered unless we do something about it. Maybe, we can portray the outcome by analysing others' behaviours and coming out with a conclusion. But there is a doubt whether it is true... i personally think we should ask and try... but there's another problem. What is the subject to ask on? what can be the common thing. We should search for something 1st, of coz! after exams which are important, but again... after exams may be too late. It is holiday after exam where people may be free, but this thing will need planning, and it will eat into it.

Just some thoughts, never reread to check. I gota do my proj now... maybe i will check next time, but there's nothing offensive inside, unless some english error may cause it. AND ALSO... if there's something weird, please tell me, i don have the time to reread now. Drawing time~

As i am writing, i feel that this is a bad article that doesn't really portray what i want to say. I will write on this issue again next time.

Worst day in poly - realistic life

what an idiotic day i had today, it was very very very terrible.

If horoscope are anything to go by, i am a libra, people who want justice. Indeed, that sort of signify me, i want a justified world, a "perfect" world, maybe i am a perfection seeker. It disgust me when i see someone doing things, in a bad manner, to get what they want. I will wonder why can't they get what they want in a good way, and i sort of noe why, there aren't justice in the world, there is only fast or slow, and using a bad way is the faster to get the things u wanted, and this is ideal in a world without a father judge. But i still dislike this actions, as it makes the world sink deeper into the injustice side, i doesn't want to be one and friends that does that hurt me deeply.

People often say, don't hold grudges. I often wonder whether it is better or right to hold grudges, and i got my answer. Actions, Behaviour, Implications, Thinkings, everything are different, everything has a different evaluation. Maybe you should forget about people giving u a kick in your butt, but other things that people did, can never be forgiven, as they meant to do it in the expense of your feelings. You sow what you reap, if people doesn't bother about others, why do you bother about them? no, i don't mean ignore, becoz there aren't justice in the world, if you are a good guy, repay what blessing befalled to you, including those evils one, maybe i do mean revenge, but thats between a guy with an enemy, what if the other is someone that is not your nemesis?

*Somethings are not thought of before actions are done, but i think that everyone should be able to think, will the things they do, implicate or harm others*

It started with the autocad lesson.
The teacher gave us a mini test that is impossible to complete, none, including the teacher, can finish it all by himself during the time given.

We got about doing the job, trying our best, and thought of ways to complete it. After doing some, we splited, each do one, and we transfer to one another later. This will make it possible to finish the whole thing. And this is the reason i started the terrible day. It's the teacher fault too, he's like a corrupted magistrate of the ancient China, give him money, benefits, or do things he like, and u will be able to get a offical post from him. It's weird on the other hand, it's your friend involved, u want him to do well, but its a confused feeling when he may be able to do well, in a way perceived by normal people as bad, not the "guang ming zhen da" way.

Lets think of another thing, do you make friend with people of integrity or with people that will give u benefits? Being the guy i am, i make friends with people that isn't that horrific in the way they do things, i am a justice seeker, and doesn't like things to be done in the injustice way, including the things your friends do. I mean, if ur friend do what u hate, yes, he can still be your friend, but not the perfect friend that wont have self thoughts when it involves each other. This friends are hard to find. Extremely hard as people are getting more and more self conscious... and i hate to face that reality, but it feel even worse when u care about others who doesn't care about you once they may get something, worse, even in the expense of you. I am thinking of that possibility and that leads me back to how i felt during my 1st few days into and prior of poly.

*You will have impressions about your friends, what kind of person he is, and what he may do in some situations*

Ok, Back to it, yes, something that is impossible to finish. We splited, he did the last one needed to do and i did the one before. The teacher came, wow! you finished the 1st 1 already, so good, fantastic, fabulous... so on, thinking that he is so great as he started with the last 1 needed already. He didnt speak of the truth, he played on with it, to get a definite A. Well, it is ok, if your friend can get a A even if he did something bad, a lie, this is a corrupted world, u may only get the good things through mean ways. But it's another case when you got others implicated, let me explain. The teacher thought of him of a different calibre, compared with others and shoot at them. My friend who played on is closer to me than anyone else in the class, but what he had done and harm other people becoz the bloody teacher has the "Can finish wat... he finished, why cant others". He shoot other people in my class, and they didnt noe they got cheated. It was indeed an impossible mission, but lies covered it up and made a great guy who could finish it and pushed others to inferior status. Although i aren't pretty much affected but also affected abit, i got such an idiotic feeling, it's like, no one will not think about only themselves. That made me disgusted becoz i had wished people to spare a thought for others, to be able to, but even a close friend of me can't, what can i expect from others? I thought about this sentence the whole day and it really feel bad. i can't really explain it. No one may understand me, but i will try to explain it later on.

Ok, that was 1 case, the other, the teacher wanted it to be submitted, uploaded. It can't be finished and my friend didn't have that work done. Lie passed thru, and it may get exposed. And hey, instead of telling the teacher the truth and spare others from the agony of inferior status when the teacher shoot them, he thought about himself again. Asked for the completion of the impossible mission from others which is basically impossible to have, and went for another way to secure an escape route. Like i said, i did part of the 1st part, and he did part of the 2nd part, none completed, the lesson was over, we were supposed to go after the teacher chased us off, my friend stayed, do the 2nd part, asked the teacher to see that he is good which basically just need time to do and try to secure that A again, without thinking about others. I mean, why can't he stick to reality, speak of justice and say, "it can't be finished" becoz it really cant be finished and have the teacher to accept that fact and don think of other people as incapable. This is what i connected to everything that had happened. That Sucks becoz people want to gain acknowledge even though it's not the right way to!!! IT SERIOUSLY BOTHERS ME!!! and worse, even my friend does it.

The rest of the day were some frustrations, but what seriously made my day bad is the autocad lesson.

I do try my best to think of others 1st, it bothers me when others cant think of others, and do things just for the sake of themselves, and if even a friend won't even think of you, how will other people think about other people to create that type of ideal world where everyone is sensitive to everyone feelings, and try not to hurt them.

Seriously, life is a burden, imagine a utopia, justice prevails thing, will there be such a place? or will there be always a need to CARE ABOUT YOURSELF 1ST!? i am tired of life, too bothersome, idiotic, freaking stupid to have such a cycle. Why not let the Earth explode? get it all done with? or let everyone be a form of Low IQ animal? no feelings, not much thoughts, just get on with the "san jis".

It's Over

Chicken Murtabak!? Just half of it made me give up! so full! 1st time i felt full even before finishing my meal... thats rare, thinking that i didnt have a heavy lunch earlier in the day... But i finished it though, lolz... After dinner, we went icecube for some deserts... but i was so full and my friend wanted me to get something, instead, i went for a ride where i discovered another route to my godmother hse from serangoon gardens. Got back after touring around and went pool with wk, len and mark. Played till 10+ and got home eventually. Watched some tv, felt tired and went lalaland after that :D

It had been two months. Not even a word was interchanged between us, i don't have an answer to the reason for it. Although i would like to know why, i didnt ask but i got my reasons for not asking.

It's nice to have someone who is special, someone who can share ur burden and joy, to show concern for and to be concerned. It's something like acknowledgement, people would like to be part of someone's life, feel attended to, feel like "being someone", finding acknowledgement of yourself, having someone to acknowledge you, having importance in someone.

I didnt wanted friends to read about this blog where i started due to the confusion i got, but some read it becoz i posted it in friendster at 1st due to friendster emailing system and then on irc where i spilled it, talking about a blog. My friends found it as its my usual kcsh88 and read about it. Being curious, they wanted to know the whole story, i understand, i will get curious too, but there's somethings that can't be said. I will say part of it here.

To my curious friends,
Indeed, like i said, it's like a dream to have a company, it's a want, but not a "chiong" where despos do. Perhaps it's also part of curiosity as to what feelings do people feel to have a company, but frankly, it's what everyone will want. Although my determination is quite fickled, i am someone who leaves it to fate.
Having my flaws, i lack of the confidence that i need for my pursue for a ideal relationship, it's like giving it your best shot, i mean, i got friends' friends, friends, or even brother who treats their gf in a manner i don't wish i would. I want my special person to be happy, perhaps not the happiest, but the happiest i could. I was not ready for it in my heart, i know it, but she said she liked me and i opened up. That's the reason i will not say her name nor anything relating. In fact, i felt she doesn't really suit me, we have our differences, and thats the reason why i never asked, i didnt noe whether i really liked her, or is it just becoz we never talked. These things are easily confused, Love, Like, Attention, i didnt really figured out what i felt, even till today, i won't really know, but i got over it and felt more confident. Anything it is, It's Over about this issue... maybe till i figured out more things. So ah... my answer is also emphasized here... i am sorry but i will not say and hope you guys don't ask about it already, it's not i don't treat u guys as important friends, you all are important to me, i said many times, i am a sentimental guy, people that crossed my life, everyone of you friends are important to me, but whether i am towards u guys are for u guys to say. I had my regrets about some people in sec3 or 4, but it's the way life is, people think their way, and we think our way. Ok... that's all i got to say, i will definitely tell u guys when i got my feelings right or clear-cut. There's nothing to hide from friends except things that may implicate others.

Straigthened

1st day back in school which ended in the afternoon, haha, finally got our locker and hopefully there will be space to put some sports equipment to play after school some days in the future.

*Communication is important, explain things, don't leave it for what you think it is or will be. At times, things are unexplainable, these things are potential bricks that were supplied for a Berlin Wall, you may just have to assume people got the true idea of yours, for consolation. But what if it's a direct opposite? Life is tiring, boring, where only "self thinking" will benefit more*

Nation Birthday

9th august, it's singapore's birthday again, it had been a year since the last national day. Although i aren't a firm believer of "time flies" as i believe that its wat we do that help us determine the speed of time passing us, this time, i felt that it passed fast on me. Perhaps its becoz of the way i lived my life for this life, it's sad, it felt like a year without any desireable memories to keep. Last year, the year before... almost every year, i have some memories to keep, both good or bad. But this time, there isn't, it is a weird feeling, a feeling that you want to get rid of, yet without solution. I had been feeling low ever since the end of my o's, everything seem so unappealing towards me, health exploits, desired life, everything is not what i wanted. Since then, i had been thinking, what if i have a terminal illness? Death is not what people want, not something people look forward to, people may feel a sting whether they thought of it, but it changed in me, i don mind leaving the face of this earth. Maybe this is what depression meant.

*Friendships, Relationships, Kinships. They are valuable yet suffering stuffs. Enjoyable when there's a smooth ride, yet a tradegy when it aren't right. I am a relatively emotional guy, sensitive guy, and is someone who can't take much setbacks. These setbacks may be from myself, but its mostly things which i evaluate that made me ponder much about. People personalities, behaviour, everything makes me wonder why are they like that. This seriously is sickening, i wished to be another guy, someone that is similiar to many of my friends, but how will i be able to do that? I am who i am, a guy who rarely gets into the true heart of friends*

Changes in Blog

I decided not to post much about my daily life, just some thoughts that i derived if something happened in my life.

Nothing much on tues and wed, stayed at home.

Thursday was my last paper and i went out for pool after it. Wk came along and we decided to go his hse for Ps2 or some sort, but ended up playing mahjong after his bro suggested, gotten my 1st offical Da San Yuan with wk my victim. Being the last day of lunar 6th month, i rushed home in a cab to prevent my parents from being worried by their "better believe than sorry". Reached home close just before midnight.

*Do people usually see what they did in heroics than what they did in disgust or what others tried to contribute? People tend to drift apart if there is a gap of togetherness for even a moment. This gap will never be closed once it is opened as one another won't know what to speak of to the other. In any case, people seek what they prefer, people have to respect that for the term, there's only "one lifetime", but this do lead to selfishness. If one thinks that he/she is doing more heroics, try thinking about self thoughts of evil fantasy or thoughts in hope that others won't feel. I do believe in people being able to feel what others can feel, maybe not the depth of it, but definitely it's what you intend to do with it that let you find the meaning of the word. Myself*

Test Week!

Sunday, lazed around on sofa... trying to read and absorb what is going to be tested on monday... do u think i can? haha...

Monday, test day, feeling sick again, tml will be critical...

*What is more important? Health or Money? This phase is so commonly heard in daily life, reminding us that health is more important than anything as without health, you won't be able to do anything. But, does it mean that having good health is ideal? What does the world have for your health to explore? Is it full of fun? joy? care? love? or hatred? cunning acts? hidden scheme? devious people? Ask youself, will you prefer to live a short fruitful life or a long boring life?*